EN
This article discusses the special kind of Holocaust essay which, on the one hand, remains in opposition to academic texts and, on the other, is a text which resembles an autobiography, and which reveals its author’s personal engagement in the discussed problem. By analysing Jan Tomasz Gross’ study titled Ten jest z ojczyzny mojej..., ale go nie lubię and its consecutive printed versions, the author of this article discusses the benefit of engaging in essay-writing for the scholar, who fluctuates between the academic and non-academic discourses. To this end, she also discusses other Polish Holocaust essays published in the mid-1980s (by, e.g., Jan Błoński and Roman Zimand) and the theory of the essay by Theodor W. Adorno, which triggered Gross’ formal and notional search.